This weekend a few friends and I were rocking out to the Positive K album. You know the one, “The Skills Dat Pay Da Bills”. Anyways we found that the song “I Got a Man” worked nicely with a slight copy edit. Go ahead and change all the ‘Man’s with ‘Grandma’s.
Here are the highlights:
I got a Gram
I’m not tryin to hear that see
I got a Gram
What’s your Gram got to do with me?
Well hey I think you’re bluffing
Well I’ma call my Grandma
Well I can get a bran-muffin
Well look I’ll treat you good
My Grandma treats me better
I talk sweet on the phone
My Grandma writes me letters
I’ll tell you that I want you, and tell you that I care
My Grandma says the same except she’s sincere
Well I’m clean cut and dapper, that’s what I’m about
My Grandma buys me things and she takes me out
Well you can keep your Grandma, cause I don’t go that route
So when your Grandma don’t treat you like she used to
I kick in like a turbo booster
You want lovin you don’t have to ask when
Your Grandma’s a headache, I’ll be your aspirin
“Ode to My Toothbrush”
By now you’ve heard the rumors. My abuse, my negligence. It’s true. I’m sorry. We are cruel giants, manipulative of your appliance. Baby, lets relish the now. Do it once more. I applaud your lonely charity. Under the artificial light you seem blue and brainless. But you’re not. At 7 o’clock when I wake I think of you. I don’t dare utter a single word without your treatment. I want to yank you from your wet chamber, and dress you in some fluoride compound. I can hear it now, the soft sound of falling water and you doing my dirty work. Up and down, Back and forth. Back and forth, in my mouth. My hand on your body, guiding, working through it together. The positions I put you in… You are an apology in my hand. Ultimately, I know you just want to keep me smiling. This craving, it’s a compulsion I can’t just wash down the drain. But it’s not just in the morning that I think to you. Just before I go to bed, when I get that urge, that taste in my mouth. You are a necessity to me. Can’t you see? Your long body, strong bristles, you have a grip about you. I promise, you’ll never slip from my hands.
by Peter Sullivan
You know you’re addicted to energy drinks when every time you get gas, or pass a gas station for that matter, you wonder what energy drinks they have. It has gotten to the point where I know which gas stations have which energy drinks. I don’t choose which gas station I go to by gas price anymore. I choose them by which energy drinks they have and if they have specials. Shit, I had to drink an energy drink just to write this. Coffee is great. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But there’s a different buzz I get from taurine. I need… aaaa I mean I want that pick-me-up around 2:30pm to get me through my day of work.
And why don’t they advertise to this market? I’m not a rock star or a extreme X-Games athlete, or even want to be. I’m just your run of the mill working man that wants a taurine pick-me-up to wind out my workday. I wouldn’t feel so silly buying a can of “Productivity”. No, instead I have to buy “Monster!”. These things are more addictive than cigarettes. I know, I smoke too. So, cigarette companies can’t market to kids but energy drinks can? How’s that fair? I mean my heating bill went up this month and I broke it down in the number of energy drinks I just burnt. It’s getting out of control…. my heating bill that is. Not my energy drink addiction.
My personal preference is with the sugar free energy drinks. To put it simply, I prefer cancer over fat. Want a tip from a self-made expert?
Full Throttle Blue Demon with Blue Agave Flavor SUCKS
Sobe Adrenaline Rush DOESN’T SUCK
Rip It (Best for the price $1)
So I was writing some copy and went to dictionary.com to find some synonyms for the word fact. Poop is a synonym for fact.
Is this for real?
Ok, this whole Green movement has gone too far. I’m all about recycling, saving the environment and whatnot, but recycled toilet paper is too much. My roommate just bought some Seventh Generation toilet paper and this stuff is awful. It’s basically see through. That’s dangerous. And of course it isn’t soft to the touch. Saving the environment is essential, but i think there should be some sort of hierarchy of needs. And saving my ass definitely comes before saving the environment. God knows I’m not going to be very effective at saving the environment with an itchy ass.
Not to mention the branding for this stuff is suspect. Seventh Generation? Really? This is seventh generation toilet paper? This suggests that this paper has wiped seven asses and it is about to be eight. Is there Eighth Generation toilet paper? If so, can I send my used sheets in? Awful! Just awful…
I’m open to title suggestions for this article. I had a hard time choosing:
– Shitty Ideas
– Going Green When Going Brown
– Seventh Generation My Ass
– Green ‘Bowel’ Movement
I just had the worst/funniest experience of the year… I was at the Save A Lot grocery store down the street from my house in Baltimore. It’s a pretty ghetto grocery store, but I only needed oil. I was waiting in the always huge line and the line moves extremely slow here. About 3 people ahead of me was this barely alive guy buying a whole bunch of junk food. He hands the cashier a wad of cash and the cashier slowly sorts through the crumbled mess. She says, “You’re short one dollar, Hon.” The man moans and then precedes to takes his shoe off… reaches into his off-white sock and yanks out the extra dollar. Gross! Who puts their money in their sock? Then the two people ahead of me couldn’t figure out the self swipe credit card machine, taking forever. So I, being the smart fellow I am, decide to pay in cash and get the hell out as fast of possible. I hand the cashier a 20 and she hands me back a wad of crumbled cash. And upon taking it I immediately notice there is one wet sock dollar. Yep, I got the sock dollar. Ugh…
If this wasn’t such a great story to tell for the next couple days I would be extremely pissed off. You never know where your bills have been. So be careful.